Conversations with my consciousness

Most people will never have an affirmative answer to this baffling question: ‘Do you love what you do at work or at home...’ But sadly that’s the way this life is. I can’t say I love what I do. Every evening after returning from work I don’t have much to look forward to. Switch on the laptop, check mails, facebook, chatting… But every night when I lie down on my cold bed, my consciousness asks me, ‘Did you do justice with your day… Did you achieve what you set out to get?’ It’s rare I can stare back at my alter ego and say ‘Yes, I did what I loved, I achieved what I wanted’. Mostly I hide my head under the pillow and shout back ‘Get lost! You moron… you don’t know a shit about this world… so better keep your mouth shut’. My consciousness gives me a good stare… laughs his heart out at me before going off to sleep till the next night when he can again throw the same rhetorical question at me. That sums up the life for me… may be most of the people.

But then there are days when I too get a chance to fight back. These days, though a very few, are pretty exciting days. ‘Yes I did what I love… achieved what I wished for’. There is an endless jour at heart when I get a chance to shout back these very words at my consciousness. But, he pounces back with an even terse ask. ‘What next… or for how long?’ He politely asks, leaving speechless and dumb. These barbed words hurt even more than ever before. At least earlier I got the chance to shout back. But where am I left stranded now? Whom I am trying to fool? I again crouch back, hiding my face when finally he decides to leave me alone but not before having laughed his heart out.

Tired of this every day ordeal, I decided one day to take my consciousness to a coffee shop for face to face talk. I wanted to settle this once for all. I started the conversation explaining him ’If I always do what I love or wanted I …’

‘How often do you do stuff that you love’, he shot back even before I could finish.

‘Quite often…’ I said, trying to avoid any eye contact. But he kept staring at me.

‘Ok! Not so often’ raising my eyes I replied to the unasked but obvious question. There was no change in his stance. I finally gave in. ‘I do things that I like rarely… but if I always do what I want I will end up nowhere.’

‘Define nowhere.’ He politely asked.

‘I don’t know’

‘Then checkup the dictionary’

‘Sure, I will as soon as I get time but let’s stay focus on the matter at hand’

‘We have time now. Why don’t you check out while we wait for coffee.’ He said in a manner I couldn’t deny.

‘Nowhere: in, at or to no place; not anywhere; not in a successful or a winning position.’ I read out loud from the Cambridge dictionary. ‘Satisfied’ I blurted. ‘Can we talk now… see the point I was making is that if I always …. rather often did what I loved I may end up being an unsuccessful person. I love to cook my meals but I don’t like to do the cleaning afterwards. So if I only cooked and never cleaned will I ever be successful.’

Nodding his head he asked ‘Why do you work at job’.

‘It pays me a salary at the end of every month.’

‘Which you use for?’

‘Doing things that I desire.’

‘Do you desire food’

‘I need food. I told you I love cooking.’

‘But do you really cook?’

I was stunned in silence.

‘So try explaining me… you work at a job which pays you a salary which is to be used for doing things that you like but you end up not doing things that you like!’

I was dumb founded.

‘Let begin it all over again!’ he suggested. ‘You said that if you do what you love you will be unsuccessful. Why don’t we check out what dictionary says about success’

I quietly flipped over the pages of the dictionary and read to myself. ‘Success: the achieving of desired results’. I could clearly see where this conversation was headed realizing the gloom of silence had descended all over the place.

‘Your coffee Sir’ the waiter’s voice ruptured through the darkness of silence as I released a sigh of relief. But this conversation was far from over.

To be continued…